#Truth… the last I actually was a ‘nurse’ I volunteered. That was weird. Again, I forgot who I was; or who I am. On day 2 I figured out I was in “triage”… who knew? I just did what they told me to do.
Sure, I wanted to tweet and complain about the lack of healthcare, dentistry and vision services for Americans, migrants and children. There were points during that weekend that I had to close my eyes, shake my head, swallow hard and say “Ok, I’m ready for the next patient”. The drive home I felt a flood of emotions. I cried, sang loudly, and arriving on my doorstep I had to sit outside to compose myself. Walking thru the door I wanted so badly to tell my family of the stories, the things people and families were doing to obtain services.
My dad always said, “Unless you come with a solution, throw your complaint in the circular file”. Maybe I’m supposed to be angry about it? Who should I complain to? Did I retrospectively think, “Damn, I should have gotten glasses or my teeth cleaned”?
In my defense, I went there with an open heart and I just wanted to “be a nurse” that day. #Truth – there was another missed photo opportunity. Another nurse encouraged me to “Get a photo with Stan Brock”. I’m not sure, but maybe his anger over lack of healthcare services propelled him to create and run Remote Area Medical into action?
Counting days now…. 32 days to go…. This last nine days or so been doing almost 2 a day… for me, myself and I. Walking the line of being self-centered and selfishness is like balancing a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Going to meetings I get lost in my head — at times I hear me; other times I hear my own children fast forwarded in future five years. It breaks me. My eyes dart around, my heart rate speeds, respiratory rate increases and becomes loud. Maybe I shake my head to clear the noise and refocus?
At times, I’ve willingly opened my bag and allowed others to drop their anger and sadness, into mine. As they walk away seemingly unaffected, I’d like to follow them, punch them in the back of the head and yell, “Take your shit back, and give me back my joy”! I wouldn’t actually advocate doing that, but that is my thought process.
Luckily, I’ve found a few friends that notice when I do this — Thank God for those ladies who help me, and tell me, “Listen for the message”. They keep repeating “The good news is you have feelings now; the bad news is you have feelings now”.
Most times, I forget that I have a problem with addictions. Attending meetings starkly reminds me and the wreckage I’ve caused. My dad died 8-9 years ago; life has not been right since his passing. Life has been even more ‘effed up’ since Jan 31; yes, I’m counting the days now.
My behavior and how I conduct myself is exactly just how he taught me. Treating the housekeeper thru the CEO with equal amounts of respect was just how I always did it. Unless I had to address you by your last name — it didn’t matter. Peoples last name means nothing to me. I have a friend who has taught me that life is “a relationship business”… sorry sister, I never paid attention to folks last names because inherently, it just didn’t matter.
Christmas Eve I went to a party! As I drove thru my old stomping grounds, #truth… I covered my ears and steered with my elbows, crying all the way. Arriving at my destination, was a fellow on three wheeled bike (with pedals). He asked me, “What’s troubling you kid”? Telling him didn’t make me feel better. I listened to his message. He said, “You need perseverance”. My head was screaming, “I need serenity”. Shutty, I know, I’m self centered.
Attending the party was frightening; being filled with anxiety was an understatement. Momentarily, I was happy . and #Truth… I was pretty proud to call my son and tell him exactly where I was. People tell me to “do something different”… I thought leaving the party and going home was ‘something different’…
I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion; my family is flipping crazy! I don’t mean that with negative connotations.
I have a daughter who blows through the house like a tasmanian devil (picture a pretty princess with a crown twirling threw like a tornado). My bad, I attempted to “mom” her by telling her perhaps she should keep her nose and mouth where it doesn’t belong – out of other peoples business. She said that I’m a bitch. No sister… that’s not your circus, not your monkeys.
My son tells me, “You and dad have to fix it”? I’m pretty sure he meant his sister. #Truth… I wanted to run out of the front door, but I ended up in the closet reading a Marilyn Monroe biography, waiting for the storm to pass. I should stock that closet with more books.
My youngest daughter, hid in her room during the storm. She wants a G wagon… I want a safe room during those kind of ‘storms’. When I asked her an hour later to watch a Christmas movie, maybe I didn’t approach the whole thing correctly. She answered, “Your not demanding me to watch a movie”. She is 15 and maybe that’s normal? I just wanted to eat cookies and watch a movie.
Then my mom called and questioned, “Do you know what today is”? I replied, “Yes Momma”. Besides it being the first day of winter – Florida winters are so weird, it is also the day my Dad passed away. She then yelled at me that she “didn’t want to argue” …. uhmm… she called me. I told her that I love her.
The nap was uber welcomed at that point of my day. Two meals completed today and I’m pretty happy I didn’t have to ‘hold the tree’. I love my family… and they are crazy.